Written by: Rose McAleese
The greatest thing happened. When I say greatest, I mean like paying-off-all-your-student-loans great. Like you-think-you ran-out-of-weed-but-found-a-random-questionable-nugget, great. I’m talking taking-your-bra-off-after-a-long-day great.
Another overly rich, very privileged white male has thrown his hat into the ring. With this gentleman, I should say he has thrown his wig into the clown car. But he’s not just any idiotic, self obsessed, behind-the-times white guy. He’s THE idiotic, self obsessed, behind-the-times white guy. That’s right, ladies and gentleman, the one and only Donald “wait for it” Trump is running for the Republican presidential nomination. This is a great moment in history.
Last Monday morning Trump held a press conference to make his announcement at what looked like a local food-court mall or Donald’s Room of Escalators with a built-in podium. Clearly Donald Trump has been waiting for this moment his whole life. And so have we.
His wildly entertaining speech was a brag rag of why he should be president. He gave many 100% pure, non-sarcastic reasons why he would be so ideal for the job of being the next leader of the free world. Reasons like “I am really rich.” He has a net worth of 8 billion (not assets, silly peasants, but actual net worth), plus a series of (questionable) hotels, blocks full of buildings, and he recently sold a $15 million dollar apartment to some guy from China. Whoa there, Donald! You are complaining about Obama sending our jobs overseas but you’re selling our good old American condos to foreigners?
Donald Trump is making a desperate and very sad attempt at applying for this job so if he wants some advice from someone who has been to her fair share of job interviews, I’d like to suggest that bragging about how much money you have rarely works. You are supposed to say things like “I am a hard worker,” or “I am rarely ever late,” or “I work well with others,” or “I am a team player,” and especially “if part-time hours are all that you have available, that’s okay because I’m just so excited about this job I will take whatever I can.” And when they ask what your worst fault is, you should say “loving my job too much.”
His views on foreign policy are downright hilarious. Once, when he was asked about Iraq he said, “I would bomb the hell out of it.” He thinks that Mexican immigrants are bringing nothing but disease, drugs, crime. And they’re rapists too. HOWEVER, some of them, he assumes are “good people.” Oh, rich white man… how much joy you bring to me.
I’ve been so giddy watching The Daily Show and CNN coverage of this apocalyptic news that I decide to ask a few FRANK members who they would love to see run for president because, hey, if Donald Trump is doing it, anyone can.
I asked our commander in chief Lily and she said she would like Howard Stern for president. His running mate of course would be Robin Quivers. No brainer. Howard Stern’s very qualified for the job because he is so good at getting his guests to admit to the most crazy-ass, left-field shit on the radio. His way of dealing with terrorists would be to get them nice and relaxed, ask them a bunch of random questions and then wait for the juicy stuff to roll on out.
Our in-house hero and graphic designer Mikey said he would appreciate it if he saw rapper Fetty Wap make a run from the trap house to the white house. Fetty is only 25, and you have to be at least 35 to be President, but that just means he has a good ten years to build a case that is just as good, if not better, than Mr. Trump’s.
My choice for dream candidate is a little meta because I would like to see Saturday Night Live’s Kate McKinnon to run for president as Hillary Clinton. I think Kate embodies how Hillary really feels deep down on the inside. That desperation and dire need she has to become the first women president. Like Donald, she’s been planning this out since she was kid. Then Kate/Hillary’s running mate can be Amy Poehler playing her as the former New York senator. A double Clinton ticket! Bill’s head is exploding somewhere.
Okay, to get real for a moment, I truly believe actor Mark Ruffalo would make a great president. Yeah, I know…another white guy. But the actor has some massive accomplishments with programs like Water Defense, a non-profit that uses technology and public engagement to keep our water clean. He has spoken out against the Iraq war, has been very vocal about the lies and deceit of the Bush Administration, and he’s pro-choice. Mark Ruffalo for president! It’s meant to be! Everything lines up perfectly and his slogan could straight-up be “You won’t like him when he’s angry.” His campaign song would be “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”