We’re two democratic-esque contests deep into the primary election and somehow the field of Republican candidates still has like 20 people left in it. If you haven’t already done your homework on the remaining candidates, it can be supremely difficult to tell them apart.
As someone who has suffered through tens of minutes listening to this cesspool of candidates speak, I have developed a simple way to keep them all straight in your head. This system serves as an aid when trying to correctly remember the name of each candidate if, by some misfortune, you walk past a TV screen upon which one of them is talking, and it’s also a way to speak intelligently about their overall demeanors and worldviews. So here it is, your official FRANK151 guide to the annoying little boys of the 2016 Republican Primary.
Donald Trump: The Loud One
Most republican presidential candidates, like most little boys, are loud, but none quite so much as Donald Trump. Trump is the kind of little boy who is popular and makes friends because he interrupts class by making loud, idiotic statements, and making fun of shy kids. He wins a great deal of influence over other little boys—idiots, in other words—through this technique, but all of it is a thinly-veiled externalizing of deep self-consciousness and personal traumas. Everyone who doesn’t find themselves at the butt of his jokes has an occasional laugh courtesy of this little boy, but nobody really wants to elect him class president.
Ted Cruz: The Whiny One
Ted Cruz is the kind of little boy who quits the game halfway through because he feels like the other kids aren’t playing by the rules. He goes to Sunday School every week and looks forward to it. Other activities he gets excited about include listening to his parents, helping them with chores, and dusting the chalk off of the erasers during recess. None of this little boy’s peers like or respect him—for reasons he just doesn’t totally understand, bless his heart—but he is popular with the grown-ups.
Marco Rubio: The Slime Ball
Marco Rubio is the type of little boy who is a manipulative, confident liar. He learned how to wage psychological warfare from having two older siblings, who would routinely use him as a pawn in their squabbles until he was old enough to understand he could play both sides. This is the kid who gets an extension on his paper by making up an elaborate excuse, and who talks shit about you when you’re gone but acts like your friend next time you see each other. This kid is the worst.
Jeb Bush: The Embarrasment You Kind of Feel Sorry For
Jeb’s dad owns the big dealership in town and he has a loudmouth older brother who, while popular in his own right, is a douchebag. Jeb’s far from perfect, but he seems pretty reasonable compared to the rest of his family. He’s a bit of a loner, a bit soft-spoken and shy. The prominence of his family name and his inability to stand up for himself in a convincing way make Jeb an easy target for bullies. Seeing him get picked on routinely has basically reduced the potency of his annoying qualities, to the point where you just sort of hope he’s doing okay and that when grade school (the election, in this metaphor) is all over and done, something good happens for him, like going off to a good college where he finally fits in.
Not Pictured: Ben Carson and John Kasich, who, in all likelihood, will soon feel the sweet release of suspending their campaigns indefinitely as a mercy to both themselves and also the electorate.