This morning, Whoopi Goldberg announced that in April she will launch a line of cannabis products that are specifically designed to relieve the pain of menstrual cramps. The actress, daytime talk show host, and vape enthusiast has teamed with weed industry magnate Maya Elisabeth, and until the rest of the country gets its shit together, Whoopi & Maya products will only be available in California.
We applaud Goldberg’s initiative and we respect her vision, but the names she’s given the body balms and edibles—Relax, Savor, Rub, Soak—are super snoozers. That’s why we’ve brainstormed some new names for the goods. While Goldberg technically hasn’t reached out to ask for our help, we’re fairly confident she wouldn’t mind the suggestions. After all, we’ve done this before.
Below is a poll where you can cast your vote for the best name that we’ve come up with. Given Goldberg’s celebrity status, we naturally went through her résumé for inspiration. There are some obvious ones in there, plus a few deep cuts (shout out to the Trekkie nation). Hopefully if this all works out, Goldberg can expand to selling Jumpin’ Jack Hash Oil (*sad trombone noise*).